Askintherapy's Blog

I am thinking of kids running in the dirt road.
Around our  vineyard.
We used to run madly and recklessly…
Whenever thorns pricked our feet, we used to go directly to my aunt. In pain…
The thorns were taken out with the help of a needle.
It hurt but it never kept us away from running again. We ran again and again.
Was it easier to run then? Perhaps we weren’t so conscious that we were running.
A natural reflex.
If we had been aware of the possibility that we could be hurt by pricks or stones, we would have been  scared and we wouldn’t have run.

It is now scary to run.
Out of breath…
And we have learned a lot about pricks and stones.
Is a child swinging afraid of fallings?
Obviously not.
At least until an elder comes and spreads his concerns about what evil might happen while swinging.
Anxieties and fears are  contagious.

Is fear necessary?
I guess so.
?
But it should have a logical level because a high level of fear holds you a prisoner.  On the other hand, hope sets you free.
Even if his knee hurts the child keeps swinging. He is not afraid!
Then what changes as we grow up?
Why do we seek guarantee out of life?
And the guarantee of what?
Of living forever? Of immortality?

As if no pricks will hurt you as long as you don’t run in that road or you will never fall provided you don’t swing again.

In fact, fear and hope are intermingled.
Alas, pure man, You have seen the faith hidden in fear, now see the hidden fear in hope.
When something you fear befalls on you, most often you stop being scared of it.
Once you are hurt by a prick, you see that it’s not something to make you give up running ever again, but when you are a child.
As man grows, his fears grow. Does his hope grow, too?
It is probably related to his experiences or the things he has learnt so far.
Hope is something more childish.
I haven’t seen many people growing their hope as they grow but there are a lot who grow fear.
The most scary part of it is that the concrete fears turn into abstract ones.
Community, status, dignity, lack of excitement, unable to start, unable to finish…

Then, when fears hold us, we should look back. We should go back and look over it because fear is really bigger. Many things we fear haven’t come true. And sometimes we had things we never feared or never thought of being scared of.
There is another scenarist.Başka bir senarist var.
It is not useful to fear, it’s really useful to cast yourself upon God’s mercy.

To find a skirt that is ready to help and to take out the pricks.
And believe that One is there forever….
Maybe kids are also afraid but they feel  brave again because they know they will get help.

They will help us run again…
There is One that takes out the pricks and dresses the wound.
Even if you fear, trust! Hope!

Don’t go to dark places, there are a lot of suns.
Don’t go to despairing side, there is a lot of hope.

Hope should descend fear. Otherwise, the mill of life can’t roll.
Somehow, some water rolls that wheel, somehow the wind blows clouds, to make water…

Certainly, God has limitless affection and mercy for people. (Bakara. 143.)

God! We want things that summon your grace, we want your forgiveness, we want protection from any sin and We want to gain any goodness.

“Do people have to go through the same painful experiences to understand each other?” 

He asked.

“Pain is a feeling. There are some other feelings too. As for me they have to experience all the other feelings others have experienced.”I answered and added “However, people who experienced pain may need to be understood.”

People seek treatment and thus a mender most when they feel pain or when they bleed. We do not call the carpenter unless the door or the window is broken. And also a skilled workman is required when somewhere is being reconstructed. The talent of the workman you chose is only measured by the places or works of art he has fixed. 

He who we are looking for is generally the most experienced and has seen many places. 

Man wants to be understood mostly when he is hopeless. When he sees that he is understood he feels relieved immediately. Then comes the phase of repairing the feeling that he thought is understood. As he experiences more he looks for people who are more experienced than himself. Growing should be a process like this. This means getting more lonely each day and that is what people fear the most because selectivity has increased. 

Yet, old mender made someone  who wants to grow get used to being lonely. They first tried to teach what being lonely is. Ibn-i Arabi started to withdraw into seclusion when he was nearly 16 years old. When he was in seclusion one of his friends visited him. He asked how he was. ” I was with God before you came but now I am alone.”

We all hear but words are not internalized that easy. Whatever you are looking for search it inside you.  If you are going on a journey, go into yourself. The thing you are looking for is not outside but inside. We like these sentences but how can we understand what they mean without actually trying them? How can we understand and explain that the real loneliness is outside?

Pain is the feeling that draws people into themselves. That’s why people who suffered can find a way to understand easily. Because the other way is to be understood. The other way is less prefered. The body doesn’t like the other way so it is a must to make it withdraw into seclusion. 

Our Prophet (SAV)was alone in Cebeli Nur before he actually became the prophet. Hz. Yousuf’s loneliness began in a well when he was a baby and then 7 years of prison. Hz Pir was made to withdraw into seclusion by Sayyid Burhanettin three times one after the other after his father’s death.

Does anyone fear loneliness if they start the journey by making themselves alone? No. Because the real loneliness is being away from God. 

Then did these people who experienced this, who understood the real loneliness, who freed themselves from the need of others,give up being with other people?No. They were right with them but with God. They were among people with their Beloved. Even they called people to unite, away from being lonely because they took it as a mission to foster others to go on a similar journey, to bring the traps into notice, to make them feel the real thing behind what is seen. Life is a reversed game. Everything is tangible with its opposite. Thus, it is better to start to think about its opposite in order to understand something. Togetherness becomes nice when once the real solitude is understood.  So, it is wise to teach people loneliness first so that they can understand the value of togetherness.

We said that the one who experienced pain was hopeless. Hopelessness is in a way loneliness. And the most understanding person is the one who has experienced the most feared thing, loneliness. Pain both leaves you alone and finds you the one who will understand.

Now let’s go over the clichés we have learned. Loneliness is hard. Unbearable…You can not live without depending on someone else. And question them by explicating the lives of the ones who lived the best.Can the One who brought you to this world alone and who will take you alone  leave you all vulnerable and lonely?And didn’t God tell us that he is closer to us than our jugular vein.  

The ones who understand best, who live best, who gets on with themselves well are the ones who experienced loneliness and who learned not to be afraid of loneliness.

If there is God, there is no loneliness.

If there is God, isn’t it necessary to look for the feeling which takes you closer to God rather than looking for which feeling you have experienced? 

Isn’t God enough for human? (Zümer, 36)

Wherever you are God is with you.(Hadid, 4)


I haven’t written for four weeks.

A sentence, coming from a friend, aroused a new self-realization in me.

“The one who is hurt buttons his lip until the pain arising from being hurt is over.”

At that moment I realized that I was hurt and that’s why I was silent. So I waited for the pain to abate. The same friend told me to write again and to write about this, so I wanted to write again without thinking about the pain.

Elderly people used to say “It’s easy not to hurt someone, it’s hard not to be hurt.” I told it to others. Some said it wasn’t easy, some said it was impossible not to be hurt. However, considering that our elderly told this and gave the tongue to, I still think that there is a way…

I asked my friends where the exact place that is hurt was. Some said it was the self, some said soul and some said ego. It’s possible but who knows.

What makes it easier to be hurt?

Expectations? Our own perception? Our wish to have our own world leaned on other people? Our weakness? Being ignored? If a situation hurts us but not others or if something that hurts others doesn’t hurt us, we cannot blame others when we feel hurt. This is something that belongs to us. A layer, a wound or a link that belongs to us.

At this very moment if we can realize our feelings and assume the responsibility, it means that change has started. It gives pain but it is better to suffer than to run away from pain. As one of the simplest but the most useful saying suggests: “One has to take what comes.”

Then lets look at the place inside us that is hurt. What does it say? Why was it hurt? How did it react? Lets listen to it. Attend to it. Care about it. Even there is one thing better than all. Lets take it to its doctor. Lets get a surgeon to clear the wound. It’s easier and more useful.

I thought about mine and talked about it. I shared it and I understood. I accepted it. I hope I will not get hurt for the same reason again if the wound has got better. If not I will need a new operation or operations until I get better. I pray for that and hope to get better soon.

Why does being hurt make people button their lips?

Sometimes it can make you aggressive. Being hurt is a moment of crisis. And everybody has a different reaction to crisis. Then we will react according to ourselves, learned models and the schema that we formulated out of them. Then, what level of maturity does silence in the case of being hurt refer to? Is it high or low? I couldn’t figure it out and I decided to ask it to the touchstone. And I got this answer:

When crows set up their homes in Fall, nightingales hide and become silent.

Because when there is no garden of roses, nightingales hush.The absence of the sun kills the awareness. (Mathnawi)

Silence is also a way of self-expression. If everything is perceived via its opposite, if existence is the opposite and the mirror of inexistence, then remaining silent is also a way of talking. However, it is difficult and hard to bear. This results from the need to be understood. And maybe that’s why it is said “Love is speaking without talking.” 

Silence is, in a way, condemning yourself,like a child’s embarrassment when he suddenly realizes that he is not grown up and still a child. It is like getting away from there and waiting to grow up in the other room, like realizing his weakness and preferring being invisible. So it is also childish.

Eating and witty talk are permissible to the mature; since you are not mature don’t eat and remain silent!
Because you are an ear and he is the tongue; he is not your kind, God ordered ears: “ Listen”
The child is born with the ability to suck milk,he remains silent for a while and is all ears. Until he learns to speak he should remain silent and shouldn’t speak. ( Mathnawi)

The real thing is to learn not to be hurt. I still believe in that.

When the city is the prisoner of the orange loneliness
I am pouring from my runnels like rain…
In the excitement of breathless butterflies hitting my window  

Collecting everything postponed coming from far away

Then suddenly all the audience in my eyes rebel

The timbre of your hands roams in my ears

And At that moment I am silent with pained words.(Laleha.)       

 

Let’s ask it to Alvarlı Efe Hz. and finish:

 

The lover says do not get hurt from the person who hurts

The one who is hurt is less mature than the one who hurts.

 

 One of my friends requested me to write something that will make us feel relieved in a message he sent via facebook.

How can you make someone feel relieved?

Do they volunteer to feel relieved first?

Or have they shut themselves up to any kind of relief?

What is there inside their inside?

Personally, I think everybody finds relief in different things.

Now, I remember one of my colleagues, Abdullah, in one of the clinics that I worked. He always had some cassettes of belly dance music in his car. Whenever I traveled with him, he used to play the cassette and get in the mood. He used to say that that music was his cure and that whenever he listened to that music he forgot all the trouble he had. He tried hard to make me feel relieved in the same way but I couldn’t get used to it. As a man who had never danced in any place on any occasion, it was hard for me to do that. Dancing used to make me feel guilty all the time. I had to be serious and dignified all the time. Now I will admit you something. While we were returning from our Syria tour, our driver Hüseyin recommended us to use the old road. There were wedding ceremonies on the roadsides. So we did what he said and we really saw a wedding on the road side. Men were dancing on the roadside and women at home. I won’t tell you the names of the people who were with me that day but I couldn’t resist the music and danced with Arabic friends there. It was the first time that I have danced in my life.   

Did I feel relieved?

While dancing, yes. But then a feeling of shame.

How can we make people feel relieved?

We can consider our inside as a room or as a saucepan, as a closed place I mean. It is never empty, it is always full. If you are sad or have problems, it is full of smoke. It doesn’t let you breathe. So you need to find a window or even a hole to let the smoke get out of the room. And that is usually possible with a good listener. With a nice ear…You should have a nice ear to listen to you somewhere.

I remembered my grandfather. He passed away when I was a junior student at university. He used to have a lot of guests in his house in Meram. People used to come to listen to him. He used to make them laugh a lot. The guests would leave the mood they had been in with him. He used to comment on the everyday events in such a way that he was able to make them the most important events in the world. Although people don’t agree with him or had doubts they used to believe what he said because he used to believe what he said. This is another way of making people feel relieved. So you can find somebody that will take you out of the mood you are in, someone that will surprise you, someone that will pull you off your thoughts and don’t let you think and judge the situation. There are also books that can do that for you. They also work well.

Nature also makes you feel relieved. She takes the small bodies inside her and breathes in her own air.

What else?

Making someone happy, especially children. To make them smile…

To send balloons of goodness into the sky…so that they can reach the clouds and the rain of mercy can fall.

To keep the smells of your childhood in your memory and smell them time to time…The tomatoes of my childhood, the walls of my house made of mud-brick when my mother polished them…The smell of bread toasted on the stove…

And sounds…The sound of balls hitting the walls, the drums of Bayram, The echoing voice of the rag and bone man in our street, the sound of old motorbikes, the sound of horse cars…the sounds of childhood…

There are many ways for everyone to feel relieved.

Let me tell you the most important one.

Love.

Simple, bare love without any ulterior motive… You may love a man, a woman, friends or a thing. Everything that will make you feel happy. Love is the oldest and the most effective cure.

You must have something you love. One beloved…  

If love the Most Beloved had fallen to your share…If only The Beloved filled our hearts and minds only, if only we didn’t let anything but the Beloved to enter. Then, sorrow wouldn’t find a way in.  

I hope It will be  our pleading to love the Most Beloved, to love the ones the Beloved loves, and to win The Beloved’s love.  

Let the Beloved be and nothing else.

Then, let Sezai Krakoç say:

You are the one I write about in every poem

I say Suna, I say Leyla but it’s you

I’ve made use of the visions of Salome and Belkis to hide you

But it was in vain as You are so obvious, so explicit

Birds fly just to mime your heart

Your hands collect the flowers of spring

The sea hears the news of eternity from your eyes

Oh, the softest and the deepest of every heart

Beloved

The most Beloved

Oh, Beloved

Do not prolong my banishment on earth

Are there any news from the birds of your country?

There is a spring rising up even from the graves

What comes out of the deathman when there is the Beloved

There is an existence apart from existence and inexistence

I am not the only guilty one

There is an evil eye that ravages me

There are lines to sing adoring that song

Don’t say it’s destiny, there is destiny above the destiny

No matter what they do, there is a will that comes from the sky

What happens if the day falls there is an architect who fixes the night

What If I am burnt, there is a fortress made of my ashes

There is a victory that grows in each failure

You have the key to reach the secret of all secrets

There is a vein in your heart that calls your banishment back

I never lose hope of you, there is a plane in your heart named compassion.

Beloved

The Most Beloved

Oh, Beloved…

The more disharmony grows, the more obstinacy rises. It is this obstinacy that leads people to be broken into pieces. 

First, the process starts with accepting the fact that opposition is normal.

Like body and soul. In fact, the real opposition is inside the human. As these two separate poles harmonize, a kind of softening and harmony towards the outside world comes into being. Cold and frozen faces, inactive, obstinate and cruel personalities and not being able to get on with others, all these are about the failure to harmonize yourself.  

Soul cannot act without a body and body is cold and frozen without soul.

However, it’s only the body that is visible. Soul is hidden. We only understand its being there by the bodily movements. Since a dead person’s soul leaves his body, it’s cold and inactive. Although they are opposites they have to be together in this world.

Like sand and water.

If you pour some sand on one’s head, the skull doesn’t get hurt or injured. Water alone cannot manage to break the skull, either. However, if you mix sand and water to make a mud brick and dry it and hit someone with it, their skull may be injured. If you leave the mud brick somewhere, the water in the brick turns to its origin and the remaining sand decomposes and turns into the sand again. Just like human.

When the real essence of human, his soul, leaves him like the water, what is left of him, namely his body, decomposes like the sand and disappears. 

Thus, the oppositions which have come together for a limited period of time should be noticed by human. He should notice that he is water and sand. He should know the meaning of being body and soul. He should learn and internalize this very fact. He should know that he will fall into pieces or will die if he can’t keep them together. Anyhow, he will fall into pieces at the end of his life. He should know that life is the duty of keeping them together temporarily.   

To be able to hold them together he should remind himself that he is temporary and there are oppositions in this world.

We said that if there was disharmony, there also was obstinacy. It is clear that people or societies who can’t understand that oppositions are normal will fall into pieces.

What about man who is baffled by the oppositions inside him? It is something like the young people with opposing ideas bursting up all the time. It is like being surprised by their attacking each other with stones and sticks. People should understand and remember all the time that oppositions are necessary, opposites should stay together, otherwise they will be frozen and fall into pieces.

 That’s the real challenge of life.

Emotions belonging to body will curb the soul trying to reach the sky, to reach his essence in a great speed. Body will always want to move toward the sand, its essence, and soul towards the sky, its essence. Here is a real conflict. They will sit down to come to a composition but they will never be the same.

Like body and soul people will also come to a composition. They will put the words such as “How can you be so stupid to think like that?” in their pocket and then throw them in the dustbin. They will ever and never forget that oppositions give the world its order.

Mind and emotions will also be opposite sides but they will be compromised with each other.

We were talking about jealousy with friends, from jealousy I arrived here. As the harmony between the opposites improves maturity and softening will gain rise. Anyhow, the fight inside is already challenging. What is the use to leave it and start new fights outside?

Everybody should go into their depths and find a solution to the anarchy there. They should compromise with themselves first. If they can’t they should ask for help. No matter how but in the end they should compromise with themselves.  

Body, soul; woman, man; mind, emotion; child, parent; government, people; races, colours, snow and sun, young and old,… all should look for a way to compromise.

If there’s harmony, the doors for pleading will open. Otherwise, there is obstinacy and disintegration. Disintegration is the reason for our discomfort.  

Then, we can make our mind and emotions get on well with each other.

Let’s finish this writing with one of Ayhan Genç’s poems:

However,

Blood befits the heart,

The heart befits love

And love befits peace.

Yesterday evening, I visited my father.

While he was sitting in the sofa, he told me that one of his old friends died. I saw the sorrow and most importantly the helplessness in his eyes. His weakness, our weakness in the face death. I used to know his friend too. I didn’t see him quite often lately though. That’s why I couldn’t fully grasp his death. I saw his death in the eyes of my father. It would be better to say I saw the death in my father’s eyes. To be frozen in the face of death…

 I didn’t know what to say. I remember saying “May God have mercy  on him.” I stood frozen for sometime and then I said “You are sorry.”

 “Yes, I am” he said and went on “He was a nice man.” Then his eyes moistened.

 It’s a custom to ask how it happened. So I asked.

He called him today as he hasn’t heard from him for a long time. He got the message “The person you have called cannot be reached at the moment…”He tried several times but he couldn’t reach him so he dialed his home phone number. His daughter answered the phone. She was the one who gave my father the news of his friend’s death. That’s all. He had been ill for a couple of days and then death took him away from us.

That’s all.

 The person you have called cannot be reached. Then while driving back home I played jokes on my daughter as if we had left all our problems in the look of those eyes, as if we had left the old in that news and in those eyes, as if everything had just started.

 Does death really wipe the old out?

 Do you remember the prophet’s (SAV)words: “Remember death often which makes all the tastes tasteless.”

 I was sorry, too without knowing exactly what I was sorry for. I think I was sorry for my father’s being sorry. I saw the reality that made him sit helplessly. We looked  into each other’s eyes and our eyes spoke instead of our mouths. There was nothing I could do but to accept the reality. This world is a place where we can keep nobody.

 Where have all those anxieties, which existed few minutes before this talk, gone?

 And the anxieties you have before you have read these lines…

 The thought of death is like a vacuum cleaner, swallowing everything. Before it swallows us, he takes away all our thoughts, anxieties, dreams. Thinking about death alleviates life. In fact the things it takes away are our loads.

 To stroll with death next to us and make it carry our loads for us…That’s a nice idea. How good would it be if we could show this very fact to the ones who talk about anxieties, the past and the present. Imagine the guests discussing about the host and his house. The risibility of staking their claims on a place which they will leave saying “It’s too late, we should go home.”…

 What if they would say “the person you have called cannot be reached” for us one day!

 At least some time after the death of the person, it would be nice to be sent a message saying “The person you have called has used his time as a guest. You won’t be able to see him for a while until you go to the place he is in now. It would be better if the message was recorded with his voice. His line shouldn’t be shut down that quickly.  

 But it is shut down. And so fast.

 The world is like an unfaithful wizard.

 If so:

 It would be better for us to dress death which is so close to us  with beautiful clothes rather than dressing it up in black. It is our friend since our birth, the only true friend. All the rest is black, it is white. Even colourless… It has no colour. It takes its colour from us. What if the black clothes we chose to dress it with is our darkness?Then we shouldn’t choke it in black. Let’s decorate it with the colours of the rainbow. With our good-manners… we should right our visit. Through its door let’s go to our real home with nice steps. Smiling and making others smile. 

 

 Death is a nice thing, that is the news coming behind the curtains. If it weren’t nice, would the prophet have died? (Necip Fazıl Kısakürek)

 

We live everything simultaneously.

Everything happens simultaneously.

 When you step out of the house many others step out of their houses like you but with different feelings.

When you leave home in the morning, others in different parts of the world come back home in the evening but with different feelings.

Some others can’t take any steps at that time. Some of them can’t move their feet, some of them are sick. Some are frozen in the middle of the avalanche. And finally, some can’t take steps because they have no feet.

Some cannot find a house to step in and some don’t even have any concepts in mind like “outside” and “inside” because they don’t have a house.

We live everything simultaneously.

A baby raises his/her hand for the first time in his/her life. With pride and enthusiasm… Another baby also puts her/his hand up but helplessly in a battle field with the guns directed at him/her. With fear and despair… Others  raise their hands too but with different feelings. Some with joy, some with the hope to find what they are looking for at a door. Some raise their hands to fold them up behind their tired head. Some points at the sky showing a star to someone precious so that they can look at it at the same time when they are apart. Some can’t raise their hands because they have no hands.

We live everything simultaneously. People overhear things at the same time. Some hear a noise, some hear a gun’s voice…Some overhear the voice of someone they love, a rhythm, the sound of affection…Some hear their father’s, mother’s or brother’s voice…And finally some don’t want to hear anything. They have already given up. They do not hear… 

We live everything simultaneously but with different feelings.

We open our mouths at the same time; some of us to cheer up someone, some to threaten or to scare others. Some sing lullaby for their babies. Some declare their love. Some shout and cry. And finally some never open their mouths. They are called mute and they accept the label.

When you breathe, others also breathe. Some can’t breathe, some take their last breath and can’t breathe out…

Even when we seem to feel quite different feelings and  we think we are different from others, in fact, we live everything altogether.

When one is out of breath, everybody is breathless. When one is afraid, when one laughs, loves, cries, hates, gets angry…

We all become one.

What if I say “we seem to be different but actually we are one.

When a wolf tortures a sheep, all of us are chained.

Although we seem to walk separately we are tied to each other with invisible ties. When good deeds increase, the way becomes luminous. When bad deeds increase, the way shuts in.

The night is given to us just to understand the nature of being good.

It is given to us to apologize, to think and to meditate, to rest while meditating. It is given to us because via night we can wake up as good people in the morning.

There are contraries in life so that we can touch each other with goodness and raise light.

So that we can understand everything with its opposite…

Thus, we should step out the house and take the road with the ones who can’t take steps on our shoulders, in order to touch with good hands.

Sooner or later, someone else will touch us with good hands.

When the dark hands lessen, the light will get stronger and we will cover the distances faster.

As the Beloved of the Beloved says:

“Whoever walks to fill in a need of his brother does a deed more beneficial for him than his ten- year day and night praying. Whoever prays day and night for just one day only for God’s sake, God sets three barriers between him and the hell. The distance between each barrier is the same as the distance between east and west.

Again the prophet Muhammad (SAV) says: “A muslim is another’s brother. He cannot harm him or torture him. Whoever fills in the needs of his brother, then God fills in the needs of him in return. Whoever helps a muslim out of a trouble, then God saves him out of trouble on the Judgement Day. Whoever covers a defect of a muslim, Then God covers his defect on the Judgement Day.”

WE SHOULD TAKE THE ROAD TO TOUCH OTHERS WITH GOOD HANDS EVERY MORNING.

 

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